What is the difference between self-care and selfishness? This question inevitably comes up with all people when it comes time to practice self-care. When I give a client an assignment to start a self-care plan, the fear that it might be selfish comes up immediately.

When you feel guilty about self-care, the next emotion is usually resentment!

The good news is that when you take care of yourself, and feel that niggling guilt come up, just note that it is only a habitual pattern and that with a little awareness and compassion you can let it go!

Your desire to give and nurture others is a beautiful thing, but when you aren't nurturing yourself too, you will eventually become depleted.

When you are depleted, the scary woman takes over.

This isn't useful.

Although everyone's ideal self-care plan is so individual and can vary, most of us feel that even the most basic steps towards self-care are selfish.

I want you to think about this in an emotional way and with your end goal in mind.

What emotions drive self-care or selfishness?

When you think about your end result, is it so selfish to take care of your health in the moment so that over the long run, you can show up and be the person you want to be for your family and friends?

During the moment of taking time for self-care, it will feel selfish. But what about the end result of having energy, stamina, and health to give abundantly?

You open the space to be the wife, mother, sister, and friend you want to be.

Practicing self-care healthily, even if it feels selfish, always begins with awareness.

Then with awareness, what are your emotional needs?

Everyone's vary from high to low intensity.

There is no shame in being someone who has a higher level of emotional needs. And furthermore, when a person who has high intense emotional needs tries to be someone who is low maintenance, they are then fibbing!

Meeting my emotional needs so that I can be the mother, friend, sister, and wife that I want to be, is my idea of what self-care looks like.

When I meet my emotional needs, then all the food, water, sleep, exercise, and self-care fall into place!

My mind space opens up to “Who can I help and who can I give to”?

When I do it the other way around it doesn't last.

I end up eating frosting with crackers and waffles.

Then, I want a nap and I have no energy left to take care of my family the way that I want to.

I'm not engaged. I’m grumpy, and I'm checked out!

So the real question is what emotional needs do you have?

Telling the truth takes bravery!

Getting honest with your truth will be hard.

You won't want to do this because once you've told the truth you will realize you want connection more than cake.

You want excitement instead of brownies.

You want more alone time, not snacks in the pantry.

This realization will feel scary.

When you know what you really want, you have to make that happen!

The alternative is eating to cover up your truth!

Most would rather live in the land of “I don't know” because once you have determined your truth, it may bring up a whole onslaught of negative emotions.

When you dare to be honest, this will not feel amazing. But, if you are brave enough, you need to make a plan for self-care.

Make this self-care plan with fierce compassion so that you will take care of yourself!

I want you to make sure this isn't a plan of self-abuse! This is not what I'm talking about!

I'm talking about planning with compassion and with your best interest in mind!

You might think that I'm talking about changing your circumstances.

That may be what you need to do to practice self-care, but most of the time it's about giving up your story of suffering.

It's about changing your thought patterns so you feel better!

Your plan may be that you start spending time practicing a new way of thinking and feeling.

With awareness, you will begin to create a plan. Once you make your plan you will need to honor this plan, by doing what you say you are going to do.

As you bumble and fumble your way into someone who does what I just outlined above, you must begin to be someone who speaks kindly to yourself!

That is it!

Commit to your plan of being aware and practicing compassion with unconditional love for yourself.

Commit to moving forward every day with your self-care plan in all its messiness!

As you continue to do this, you will begin to understand and know what your body, soul, mind, and spirit crave.

Most of us have no idea what we want because we have never asked ourselves, and then told ourselves the truth!

Do this right now!

What do you prefer?

Are selfish thoughts starting?

Are you thinking this is so selfish?

Really?

Is it selfish to take care of yourself so you can be the best mother, wife, sister, and friend?

The friend and sister who meets her own needs and then can be there to support her family and friends?

The woman who is brave enough to be vulnerable and open to what matters to her?

Oh, that's right, we want the lady who is exhausted, shouting, and raging!

The lady who doesn't have time to eat food that will give her energy, move her body, or have time to think and feel her emotions.

The friend who is always negative and complaining, but then does nothing to move towards solving what's wrong!

The lady who is mistreating her husband and kids because she hasn't spent the time to put on her own oxygen mask on first!

This is complete BS and I want you to stop thinking this way immediately!

There is someone in your life you love that unconditionally.

I want you to think of them.

Many times it is easiest to hold a new baby in your mind's eye.

When you think of this tiny baby, you can love them unconditionally.

No matter what they do, you still love them and continually take care of them.

When it’s super hard and the day is long, you continue to love them.

You do not decide to give up and chuck them out the window.

I can't believe you pooped out of your diaper again!!! What is wrong with you!!! Pooping again??? Ok, that's it. Time to get rid of the child, this is just totally unacceptable.

Said no one ever!

So if you have the capability to this for a baby, you can certainly do this for yourself.

You are just out of practice.

You are good at attempting to achieve health goals, but then quitting when they get hard; this has created a neuropathway in your brain that is now extremely strong.

It is now your default.

What is the result of keeping this thought process hanging around?

I can guarantee you it is certainly not glowing health and vitality.

Setting health goals without changing your thoughts and feelings first, does not create a lifestyle of healthy choices.

What it creates is so much internal discomfort that you eventually choose false dopamine and distracting pleasures.

And rightfully so!

It's awful it is to live with a brain that is constantly berating you!

Take a deep breath and remind yourself that you want your mind and heart to be the ones in charge, not your primal brain.

Remember, your primal brain is an organ that only cares about survival, false pleasure, and laying on the couch, nothing else!

You can develop the skill set that puts YOU in charge instead of your primal brain!

You can be a person that makes conscious decisions that are never, ever, self-defeating or unhealthy!

Now, about the deeply ingrained belief that self-care is being selfish.

The idea that self-care is selfishness is a big ugly belief that so many clients have, so I want you to read this very, very carefully!

Many clients always feel selfish for taking care of themselves.

They think that if you take care of yourself, you will neglect everyone else.

It's the other way around!

When you neglect yourself you are leading by example. What example do you want to set for others in your life?

Second of all, when your oxygen mask is on first, you can give far, far more!

You end up seething if you give from the “unselfish” place by not taking care of yourself.

But yet, you don’t want to feel like you are selfish.

If this is extremely difficult for you, I want you to do one thing.

Can you please at least put yourself on the list?!

Many don't even consider putting their name on the list of things to be done or be taken care of!

Most people are not present for their own basic health needs.

When you neglect yourself, you start showing up resentful, martyrish, and victimized.

Now, how mature and unselfish is that?

Please meet your own needs first!

I beg of thee!

There is nothing, and I mean nothing, worse than the woman who is slamming around in the kitchen resenting the fact that she is "giving" something she doesn't want to do!

Oh, and as you are slamming around in the kitchen, the chances of you cramming food down your throat is extremely likely!

Now that it's clear that you must take care of your own needs, what are they?

Do you even know?

Let's start with the basics.

Let's start with your attention. How about 5 minutes right now?

Spend 5 minutes with yourself and get to know you!

What emotions would you feel if you met all your health and weight goals?

Did you answer? If you did, now how about feeling those emotions right now?

Many times you need to tweak an external problem to feel better, but most of the time it’s an internal problem and an internal solution.

When you begin to practice the emotions you want to feel when you reach your goal; now you can move forward with the actions of self-care.

Most of us only prioritize the work and then have very little left over.

But here is a little side note.

You make time to overeat! You make time to sit on Pinterest or play candy-crush!

How about prioritizing your mental and emotional needs first!

This is the basis for everything!

Most of us don't even know what that looks like or even means!

We are never taught how to process and feel emotions, and to think on purpose. Instead, it's all about what health action you should take and how everyone else should change.

Seriously!

How about you come coach with me and I will teach you all the emotional skills you need to know to take care of yourself!

You will leave feeling empowered and skilled at meeting your own needs. Then, you get to love yourself and everyone else in your life!