For starters, I am not talking about religious forgiveness. 

I am talking about when:

• We make mistakes like eating too much food or don’t do what we said we were going to do.

• We do the wrong thing parenting because we didn’t think it through or know better at that time. 

• We spin in our heads over what we should’ve done when we don’t get the result we want.

This is where bringing in self-forgiveness is vital.

It is hard to do because it feels more productive to:

• Continue to rehearse in your mind all the ways it should’ve been done.

• Spin with all the could’ve, should’ve, would’ve’s

• Keep mulling over what you should’ve said, thought, did, or didn’t do.

Over and over and over. Winding down into a puddle of dark depression and self-loathing.

Blaming yourself for everything that has gone wrong and how you are just a big mess up.

This spiral serves nothing. First, because you can’t change the past. Second, because the possibility of what you did wrong happening again, is very likely when you are in a place of self-loathing and dark emotions.

The mess that comes after the storm may make the first situation entirely worse. Your reaction or rather over-reaction makes what went wrong, bigger and messier.

A pause, however long it needs to be, is in order first. 

Take a break and find a way to journal or process what happened. Cooldown by writing out all your thoughts and feelings. 

Give yourself space to feel all the feelings without trying to change them.

Anger, disappointment, rage, frustration, overwhelm, sadness, fear, betrayal (self or other), heartache, taken for granted, hurt, peeved, humiliated, worthless, shame, blaming, and lack of control.

Allow everything to be as it is. You messed up and things didn’t go the way you wanted them to.

This is your truth and it is ok. 

This spot of allowing what is may need to take a few days. Accepting and allowing is all you need to do at this moment.

When we are in a hurry to fix, solve, and feel better, it backfires and it takes longer to move through the emotion. So be mindful that you aren’t in a rush to move and DO BETTER NEXT TIME! 

This is another form of self-abuse because it is discounting the truth of how you feel. 

Even if you know better, even if you know it’s silly, even if it doesn’t make sense. (BTW, feelings do not make logical sense, they are from a different part of your brain)

In the space of allowing and acceptance, you will find a subtle shift that feels better. It feels better than resisting what is. It feels better than pretending that you don’t feel the way you feel.

When you have given yourself able space to feel and let it be, then naturally you will come to a place where the self-forgiveness process can begin.

Forgiveness is a process and a choice. One that you make, in the time frame that feels right.

What doesn’t work is forcing yourself to forgive, move on, and get back to a place of, “It’s all good! Life is great!” 

Your emotions must be honored and not dismissed.

This is different than wallowing and taking an emotional bath for years with no change. Instead, it’s honoring and feeling and moving through. (Keyword, is through.)

When you give yourself space to process the pain, forgiveness comes naturally. It delicately begins to unfold.

If you find yourself stuck, notice if you haven’t given yourself space to feel the truth of how you felt.

You likely may be judging yourself harshly. Wanting your emotions to be different than they are. 

But when you accept what is and you are ready to choose the thoughts and feelings you want I have a sample list to get you going.

Print this out and use this continually if you are working towards a new habit or surviving all the changes with COVID.