We all tell ourselves stories and point to external problems saying that is creating our suffering.

When I coach people it is very common for me to poke through a few stories until I get to the real problem.

This is what I call lying to ourselves. And when we do this it is incredibly painful!

The truth is always better than a lie.

You may think you are telling yourself the truth but we all frequently lie to ourselves to feel better. 

It is a way of coping with pain that doesn’t work. But we all keep doing it because we don’t know a better way.

An example of how we lie to ourselves is when we avoid or deny what we really feel. Soothing behavior usually follows this as well. Eating, phoning, distractions of your choice.

Let’s say you feel hurt, jealous, frustrated, angry, or overwhelmed. 

It may be easier to say:

My anxiety is acting up. 

I must be getting my period.

If I just didn’t live here I would feel better. 

I am bored.

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. 

I must have eaten something that made me feel bad. 

My husband just won’t listen to me.

But the truth is underneath all pain is a self-defeating story about how you don’t deserve to be heard. You don’t deserve what you want. Or you are judging yourself harshly about how you “should” be. 

You make up something else to avoid the truth of how you feel. 

Our subconscious has created this distraction to lessen the pain, but in reality, it is actually more painful.

It is a form of resistance. And with resistance, you usually need a good distraction to go with this. (Cupcakes, Instagram, trashy novels, YouTube, gossiping, etc.)

The way to get to the truth of how you feel is to sit in these questions.

 “What is underneath this pain?”

“What is this really about?”

“If all feelings were ok to feel, (which they are), could I tell myself the truth?”
"Am I blaming someone or something when it's really not about them, but what I am saying to myself?"

We all have stories about how we aren’t normal and how no one else feels these feelings. 

When in reality no one’s pain or story is special. We all have similar feelings of shame and worthlessness. We all experience ego trips. 

So if you want to feel better, you must name it. If you can name it half the battle is over. 

What I found though is 90% of our pain is simply the way we talk to ourselves.

We are the way we are and we can’t change our nature. We can only change the way we talk to ourselves about our nature.

This is where self-compassion comes in. When we can stop thrashing ourselves and accept ourselves, we can begin to work with what’s left.

The other half is conquered when you move into your body, allow the feeling, soften into the pain, and let it be there.